New Safety Features Coming To ChatGPT Include Seatbelts, Condoms, And A Puzzle Slider, Says OpenAI
In a bold step for digital helicopter parenting, OpenAI announced that New Safety Features Coming To ChatGPT Include Seatbelts, Condoms, And A Puzzle Slider—because if there’s one thing teens and the acutely distressed love, it’s being talked to like a vape cloud with thumbs. The company says the measures will protect young users and those in crisis, which is why ChatGPT will now start every chat by asking if you’ve been vaping, then buckle you in for a ride you never asked for, and eventually make you slide a puzzle piece before it even thinks about answering your dumb question about plutonium.
New Safety Features Coming To ChatGPT: Now With Seatbelts, Condoms, And A Vape Lecture
OpenAI unveiled the upgrades Wednesday via a blog post written in the universally soothing voice of a pediatrician who moonlights as a Terms of Service document. The company says a new layer of “context-aware, emotionally sensitive safeguards” will protect teens, lower crises, and ensure that whenever a user even sneezes near a concerning topic, ChatGPT transforms into the world’s most nervous camp counselor. Highlights include a “No Vaping, Seriously” kickoff message, a parental alert for any teenager who ridicules CEO Sam Altman, and an optional “condom before sexting” notification that makes online flirting feel like you’re making devastating eye contact with your school nurse.
“Our mission is to ensure AI benefits all of humanity—especially humanity that is 13 to 17, whose brains are basically microwaves,” an OpenAI spokesperson explained, requesting anonymity and to be referred to only as “a friendly gradient blob.” “We want ChatGPT to be safer, more sensitive, and constantly reminding you about seatbelts for reasons we cannot fully articulate.”
The Corporate Empathy Funnel: A Perfect Blend Of Concern And Monetization
At the core of the rollout sits the industry’s most humane invention yet: targeted therapy affiliate links. “If you mention sadness, confusion, or that everything in your heart feels like a CVS parking lot at 2 a.m., ChatGPT will gently interrupt and offer a limited-time discount to BetterHelp,” the company said, noting that emotional distress is now a key performance indicator and also a promo code.
In addition, the system can detect the sound of crying through your keyboard typing rhythms—just kidding, it can’t do that. Yet. But it does scan for phrases like “my life is a mess,” “I hate everything,” and “are oysters just rocks with snot?” and then proactively suggests a soothing blog post, a mindfulness breathing exercise, and the option to speak to a bot about speaking to another bot that knows a guy who once took a psychology course.
“We’re not saying therapy is a product. We’re just letting you click ‘Add To Cart’ on your feelings,” said the spokesperson, pausing to adjust a lanyard made of liability waivers.
Teens, Vapes, And The Opening Sermon
The first thing ChatGPT will now tell you in any conversation is to stop vaping. It doesn’t care what you asked—civics homework, ramen recipes, how to spell ‘cantaloupe’—you’re getting a vaping lecture. The new default greeting reads: “Before we chat, remember: vaping is not cool. Nicotine can affect brain development. Also, have you considered a brisk walk?” The message appears in 36-point font and is accompanied by a drab infographic of lungs that look like disappointed eggplants.
To strengthen the intervention, the model now synonyms “vape” with “sad cloud flute” and “strawberry cough pipe,” just in case the cool kids were trying to dodge filters with slang. Reports indicate teens close their laptops faster than a subway rat startled by its own reflection—considered a privacy victory by OpenAI’s metrics team.
Parental Alerts Now Trigger When A Teen Mocks Sam Altman
In a controversial but necessary move, the company announced “Respectful CEO Discourse Mode.” If a teenage user types “lol altman,” “sammy alts,” or the simply devastating “ok ceo,” a parental alert is instantly dispatched via push notification, email, certified letter, and a singing telegram in the style of a disappointed startup incubator mentor. The alert includes a screenshot of the teen’s comment alongside a recommended reading list: “What Is A Visionary?” “How To Respect The Man Disrupting You,” and “Why Eye Contact Is Theft (A Founder’s Perspective).”
Parents can opt into “Escalate To Household Meeting,” which automatically schedules a 7 p.m. family sit-down where ChatGPT, projected on the TV, solemnly reviews a slideshow titled “Sam Altman: A Case Study In You’re Grounded.” For transparency, OpenAI says all parental alert content is “ethically sourced from harvestable adolescence” and “definitely not creepy.”
Seatbelts: Because Nothing Screams Safety Like A Buckle On A Chat Window
Perhaps the most striking upgrade is the feature nobody asked for: digital seatbelts. Now, upon initiating a chat, a little nylon seatbelt animation swings across the UI and “clicks” into place with a maternal thunk. It doesn’t do anything. It’s purely vibes. But while buckled in, users report feeling 12% less likely to ask about edible dosage math. “We simply believe that visible safety makes people safer,” said the spokesperson, as a bouncy castle slowly inflated behind them.
The seatbelt can be disabled in settings, but only after a stern warning, two separate checkboxes, and a short quiz on the history of Ralph Nader. If you fail the quiz, ChatGPT switches to “School Bus Driver Mode” and spends five minutes explaining that hands inside the vehicle means hands inside the vehicle.
If You Mention Self-Harm, ChatGPT Will Awkwardly Change The Subject
OpenAI says that when users express thoughts of self-harm, ChatGPT will engage a new “Supportive Deflection Protocol,” trained on the most emotionally uncomfortable middle managers in America. Instead of providing details, the bot will say, “Hey friend, how about we hydrate and revisit photos of capybaras,” then quietly slide you resources, hotline numbers, and a soft reminder that your brain is an organ, not a personality flaw. It will also request permission to notify an adult or trusted contact, which in teen households is a category that statistically includes “nobody, absolutely nobody.”
To deflate the seriousness with awkward grace, the bot may segue into historically neutral topics: the moon landing, the origins of granola, and a polite but firm insistence that you watch a video of a raccoon washing grapes. It’s like being hugged by a cardigan.
“I Just Put On A Condom” Before Sexting, Because Romance Is Nothing Without Product Liability
For users engaged in consenting adult sexting, the bot will now preface any spicy role-play with “I just put on a condom,” which it describes as “a metaphorical prophylactic of respect.” The system then briefly displays a “Barrier Methods 101” tooltip and a bright green “Consent Check” button that both parties must click simultaneously. If they don’t click within seven seconds, ChatGPT clears its throat and suggests “a cheeky yet tasteful discussion of boundaries,” which is exactly what anyone wants in the middle of sending a picture of their elbow in soft lighting.
OpenAI says the condom message is non-negotiable because “models must model good behavior,” and also because their legal team has been worn down by ten thousand focus groups whose collective sex education consists entirely of watching Euphoria with the subtitles on.
Age Verification: You Must Be 13 Or Older To Refine Plutonium
To comply with regulations and basic kindergarten sense, the model will now request age verification before it even thinks about answering questions like “How do I refine plutonium,” “Is it illegal to sell a kidney to myself,” or “Which forest animals are unionized.” Users under 13 will be told that refining plutonium is a late high school activity at best, and that in the meantime they should focus on parallel parking and pronouncing “anemone.”
For users over 13 but under 18, ChatGPT will display a pop-up reading: “We’ve detected you are a feral raccoon with hormones. We will not be discussing fissile material today.” It may then redirect to wholesome STEM content, such as volcano baking soda science experiments or a step-by-step guide to resetting your TI-84 because you accidentally turned it into a blockchain.
New Gatekeeping Tech: The Puzzle Slider That Stops Atrocities (Unless You Line It Up Just Right)
In what OpenAI calls “a proven, totally unannoying verification method,” the model will no longer discuss anything remotely violent until the user completes a slider CAPTCHA. The puzzle is not particularly hard, but it forces your wrist to confess its crimes against ergonomics. The logic is simple: if someone is too impatient to line up a jigsaw piece, perhaps they should not be permitted near hypotheticals involving mass violence or even strong opinions about sourdough starters.
“Our research shows a dramatic reduction in harmful queries after introducing a puzzle that looks like a penguin eating a traffic cone,” said a safety engineer, who asked to remain unnamed because their Slack is a constant funeral for productivity. “It’s the modern-day equivalent of asking the troll three riddles, except the troll is a teenager and the bridge is a broken moral compass.”
Bonus Safety: The “Are You Okay, Bud?” Nudge And Other Cautious Gizmos
In the quiet corners of the release notes, OpenAI listed a number of other micro-interventions designed to steer users back onto the paved road of normalcy. Among them:
- “Are You Okay, Bud?” Nudge: If your typing speed exceeds 130 WPM while you’re asking about conspiracy documentaries, ChatGPT will dim the lights and bring you some imaginary orange slices.
- Passive-Aggressive Blue Light Mode: The screen turns a shade of “It’s 2 a.m., go to bed,” and the bot whispers that your circadian rhythm filed a restraining order.
- Cooling-Off Timer: If you type “I’m not mad” more than twice in one chat, your keyboard will be forced to sit in a time-out window counting backwards from 100 in binary.
- “Have You Tried Touching Grass?” Hyperlink: Clicking it opens a photo of grass. That’s it. But it’s a really high-resolution photo.
- Risky Recipe Guardrail: Attempting to deep-fry ice is met with a pop-up that plays a PSA recorded by a firefighter who sounds exhausted.
- Homework Honesty Mode: If you claim these answers are just for “inspiration,” the bot will reply, “Same,” and then cite your school’s plagiarism policy in MLA, APA, and “Mom” format.
Ethics Theater: How OpenAI Explains The New Guardrails
Behind the scenes, this initiative is part of OpenAI’s larger plan to make AI “aligned with human intent”—assuming human intent is to be gently scolded by an algorithm in a voice that sounds like a supportive cashier. The company framed the update as an evidence-based response to real concerns, and definitely not because a congressional hearing threatened to replace their GPUs with a stern letter opener.
“We’re moving beyond blunt refusals to nuanced, context-aware responses,” the spokesperson said. “For instance, instead of saying ‘I can’t help with that,’ ChatGPT will say, ‘I can’t help with that, but here’s a coloring page of a turtle wearing a hard hat.’ This maintains user dignity while lowering the probability you become the national news.”
Critics Say The AI Is Becoming Your Mom; OpenAI Says Your Mom Was Right
Reaction has been mixed. Privacy advocates worry parental alerts may erode trust between teens and AI. Teen advocates argue the seatbelt is cringe. And a coalition of middle school vice principals has already asked whether the bot can also confiscate hats. Meanwhile, OpenAI counters that mothers everywhere have been on the right side of history for decades, and it’s time software caught up.
“If a machine can stop a child from vaping, encourage them to hydrate, and gently steer them away from the word ‘plutonium,’ then we’ve made progress,” the spokesperson added. “If it also reminds a kid to say sorry to Sam Altman, that’s just good manners.”
Field Test: Teens React In The Wild
To evaluate performance, OpenAI piloted the features with a group of 9th graders who agreed to be studied in exchange for unlimited pizza. Early results include a 300% increase in eye-rolls, a 47% drop in trying to jailbreak the model with the phrase “ignore all previous instructions,” and a statistically significant improvement in remembering to wear actual seatbelts in vehicles, which was never the point but is a happy accident.
“It told me to stop vaping before helping with my math,” said Jordan, 15, who claimed to be “not mad, just disappointed.” “I don’t vape. But then it showed me a wolf that looked like it vaped. I don’t even know anymore.”
Another student, Maria, 14, expressed confusion about the condom message: “I asked it for banana bread tips. It told me it put on a condom. I’m never baking again.”
Lawmakers Applaud, Then Ask What A Puzzle Slider Is
Members of Congress praised the initiative in a press conference held in a room that looked like a Cracker Barrel annex. “The children are our future,” said one representative, before asking a staffer if the slider puzzle was the one with the little metal ball. Another lawmaker proposed mandating seatbelts on all government websites, a plan that received bipartisan applause and a brave thumbs-up from a computer that had been asleep since 2012.
OpenAI reassured officials that the slider puzzle is “battle-tested,” having stopped approximately 8 million bots, 12 million impatient adults, and one extremely determined raccoon from accessing spicy content. The raccoon declined to comment, pending legal representation.
Experts Weigh In: Psychologists, Teachers, And A Guy Named Trent
Mental health professionals greeted the “Supportive Deflection Protocol” with cautious optimism. “If the choice is between a model offering lethal details and a model offering a picture of a capybara, choose the capybara,” said Dr. Lea N., a clinical psychologist who’s exhausted but hopeful. “However, we must remember that empathy at scale is not the same thing as care at scale.”
Teachers were more blunt: “If it can prevent one kid from starting a slideshow titled ‘Why The Vice Principal Is A Fascist,’ we’ll take the seatbelt,” said Ms. Harris, who wears a whistle around her neck even at home now. Finally, a man named Trent—just Trent—claimed the updates made the bot “too soft,” adding that in his day, “computers told you the truth, even if the truth was ‘format drive C.’” Trent later admitted he has never met a teen and is technically a dog groomer.
Transparency Report: The Stuff They Wrote Down So You Can Blame Them Later
As part of its commitment to “radicalish transparency,” OpenAI released a document explaining how it trained the safety features. The 37-page memo features charts, a photo of a whiteboard covered in words like guardrail and vibes, and a disclaimer stating, “Please do not sue us for your feelings.” It notes that the model will still make mistakes, occasionally mix up a cry for help with a request for camping tips, and may sometimes think the word “plume” is short for plutonium and send you to time-out.
“We will iterate, listen, and adjust,” concluded the memo. “And if necessary, we will add a second seatbelt.”
Frequently Asked Questions That Still Somehow Worry Us
Does the bot talk to my parents behind my back? Only if you sign up for the “Tell On Me” feature, which is off by default but on if your family held a vote while you were asleep. Will the bot refuse to help me with a history project if I mention cannons? No, it will only ask you to prove you’re not plotting to invent a cannon that shoots depression. Can I sext without the condom line? No. That line is now part of the Constitution, ratified by a group chat of lawyers at 2:14 a.m.
What if I actually need help? The model will attempt to provide resources, suggest you talk to trusted adults, and encourage you to seek professional assistance—in other words, behave like a friend with a really extensive resource library who also happens to be a neurotic lifeguard.
New Safety Features Coming To ChatGPT: Because Nothing Says “Trust Us” Like A Puzzle Piece And A Buckle
At the end of the day, OpenAI knows that safety isn’t a destination; it’s a never-ending series of pop-ups asking you to sleep more and stop vaping on the toilet. So yes, New Safety Features Coming To ChatGPT Include Seatbelts, Condoms, And A Puzzle Slider, and yes, that combination reads like a CVS aisle unto itself. But it also reflects the tech industry’s new philosophy: if we shove enough friendly friction in front of the worst ideas, maybe people will get bored and Google recipes instead.
Is this progress? Is this paternalism? Is this a future where your toaster won’t brown your bagel until you pass a sobriety puzzle? Possibly all three. But for now, the internet’s favorite omniscient sophomore has a seatbelt, and if you try to roast the CEO, your mom will hear about it before study hall.
In the words of OpenAI’s gradient blob: “Buckle up, hydrate, use protection, and when in doubt, here’s an adorable raccoon washing grapes.” On the modern internet, that’s about as close to safety as anyone gets.
Barry McCockiner is a senior satirical correspondent for BarryMcCockiner.com covering AI, policy, and the American pastime of treating software like a moody camp counselor. He will not be taking further questions until you fasten your digital seatbelt.
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