U.S. Citizenship Test Now Requires Four Years In Surprise Prison, Officials Announce
In a bold effort to modernize civic engagement for the 21st century, the White House announced that the U.S. Citizenship Test now requires four years in surprise prison, officials announce, a pilot program that seamlessly combines American civics, language proficiency, and a hands-on seminar in the timeless national pastime of state-administered captivity. Applicants will emerge with an intimate understanding of due process, mainly because they won’t encounter any.
Officials Say Four Years In Surprise Prison Is The Future Of American Integration
In a briefing that was equal parts policy rollout and escape room tutorial, Homeland Security officials explained that the “experiential learning module”—their term, not ours—will ensure future Americans acquire the essential skills of U.S. life: surviving bureaucratic disappearances, calibrating their expectations downward, and learning to nod politely when a masked man politely suggests they get in the van.
“For too long, we’ve focused on rote memorization of the three branches of government without giving applicants the chance to meet them in their natural habitat: behind bars and beyond accountability,” said Acting-Acting Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem, who appeared at the podium flanked by a roll-up banner reading, “Welcome Future Americans! Please Keep Hands And Feet Inside The Jurisdiction At All Times.” “We’re updating the citizenship process with a comprehensive, whole-of-gulag approach. The question isn’t just ‘Who wrote the Federalist Papers?’ It’s ‘Can you say it through a tiny slit in a reinforced door while a guard tells you to shut up, citizen-in-progress?’”
Noem, who swore she was definitely the real homeland secretary and not auditioning for the job by saying the most dystopian thing first, emphasized that the new section is “competency-based” and “time-intensive,” with a minimum passing duration of four consecutive calendar years. “Integration isn’t an app you download. It’s a cell you acclimate to,” she said, holding up a brochure titled “Your Journey To Citizenship (Begins With Chains).”
How The Four-Year Imprisonment Section Works, From Van To Vanishing
Here’s the process as described by officials and a very enthusiastic investor deck from the private detention sector:
- Applicants schedule their normal civics and English exam.
- Upon arrival, a friendly clerk offers a peppermint and then triggers a silent alarm that summons a repurposed delivery van with the windows painted over in “opaque liberty white.”
- Applicants are gently escorted into said van by men who are facially covered to respect anonymity and protect the immersive surprise element of the new curriculum.
- Paperwork is immediately misplaced in accordance with best practices.
- Applicants are transported to a facility labeled “Temporary Waiting Area,” where they will wait for roughly the same period of time it took to film and release every season of Stranger Things.
“It’s like a home stay, except the home is a penal institution and the stay lasts until the next presidential cycle,” Noem added. “We’re centering equity by ensuring everyone, regardless of country of origin, gets the same stainless-steel toilet.”
Carceral Literacy Is The New Civics
Administration officials framed the policy as a necessary modernization for a nation that long ago replaced the American Dream with the American Plea Bargain. “We’re not abandoning the civics portion,” said Noem. “We’re enhancing it. We still ask, ‘What is the supreme law of the land?’ Except now the examiner is a corrections officer shouting through cinderblock echo, and the correct answer is, ‘Whatever you say, boss, please don’t take the blanket again.’”
In internal memos reviewed by BarryMcCockiner.com, the department noted the benefits of moving from a multiple-choice test to a multiple-year test. “Retention improves when content is learned kinesthetically,” one slide read, next to a photo of a disoriented applicant pointing to the Preamble tattooed in reverse on a one-way mirror.
The memo also cited equity: “Why should citizens by birth monopolize the uniquely American experience of being detained without a clear explanation? This program democratizes that rite of passage.”
“It’s Not A Bug, It’s A Syllabus”
To soothe civil libertarians, officials stressed that the program comes with robust instructional materials, including a laminated card listing key phrases to practice during the imprisonment section:
- “I would like to contact my lawyer.”
- “I understand there is no phone.”
- “Is there a reason the lights are always on?”
- “I love this country.”
A small QR code directs applicants to a helpful audio guide hosted by the world’s calmest woman explaining how to count time with hatch marks and how to tell a meal is breakfast if it has the same texture as dinner.
Sample Questions From The New Exam (Prison Edition)
To give readers a taste, DHS provided sample prompts from the reimagined test. While not graded on a curve, they are graded on a crawl:
- Explain the concept of checks and balances from the perspective of someone whose commissary account is inexplicably empty.
- List five rights guaranteed by the First Amendment. Circle the ones that feel theoretical right now.
- Describe the role of the Supreme Court in your day-to-day life. Show your work using only a blunt golf pencil.
- Name your congressional representatives. Bonus: Include their hold music lyrics after being transferred seven times.
- Define “habeas corpus” without laughing-crying.
Immigration Lawyers Offer Practical Tips For Surviving Your Practice Detention
Attorneys specializing in immigration (and, suddenly, survival) urged applicants to prepare as if for a marathon where the race course is a circle.
- Hydrate early. Then desiccate, because that’s the vibe.
- Memorize a few Supreme Court cases. You’ll need the bedtime stories.
- Don’t sign anything without reading it. Then go ahead and sign it because the pen only appears once per quarter.
- Develop a hobby with limited supplies: counting screws, journaling with air, shadow chess, composing national anthems for imaginary countries under your bunk.
“The program’s goal is to immerse applicants in constitutional contradictions,” said a lawyer in a suit made of resignation. “By the time they emerge, they’ll understand America better than anyone who’s only ever skimmed a brochure by a bald eagle.”
Testimonials From Beta Testers Who Were Accidentally Enrolled In 2016
Because government always pilots a program by doing it and then calling it a pilot, several test subjects have already completed Year Two of their citizenship-imprisonment journey.
“I learned the national motto is actually ‘Please hold while we transfer your call,’” said Rafaela, a software engineer who now knows how to fold a blanket exactly to regulation so a person with a clipboard will nod. “I also expanded my vocabulary. For example, ‘processing’ can mean ‘never’ in American.”
“On the bright side, my English improved a lot,” added Hossein, who now speaks fluent idiomatic prison sarcasm. “I can say ‘I respect the process’ in three tones: hopeful, resigned, and whatever this new one is.”
Another beta tester, who asked to be identified only as “Number,” said the civics education was “top-notch” because “you really memorize the Constitution when you’re constantly asking if it’s nearby.”
Economists Applaud A Jobs Program Disguised As A Test
Financial analysts cheered the move for streamlining two robust American industries—immigration and incarceration—into an efficient public-private partnership. Stocks for companies specializing in fingerprint ink and tray-reheat technology spiked on the news, and a hedge fund unveiled an ETF called PATRIOT (Prisons And Test Readiness In One Trade).
“From a macro perspective, the four-year imprisonment section rebrands our carceral infrastructure as ‘welcoming infrastructure,’” said one economist, pointing to a chart that looked less like lines and more like barbed wire. “It’s a growth story. Literally. We will grow the facilities, and then the facilities will grow the applicants’ patience.”
Officials also touted the workforce benefits: future citizens will arrive primed for any job involving fluorescent lighting, surprise headcounts, or filling out forms labeled “Emergency” that get filed under “Spring.”
Constitutional Scholars Offer Notes, Mainly Screams
Asked whether the new requirement might conflict with, for example, all of the civil liberties, a panel of constitutional scholars took turns staring into the camera like they were in a mockumentary. One eventually whispered, “Perhaps the Eighth Amendment could be consulted,” while another said, “This has very strong 1798 energy.”
Administration lawyers countered with a doctrine called “ambient consent,” which they described as “the citizen’s implicit agreement to be inconvenienced at scale.” A press release clarified: “If someone shows up on time for a scheduled test, that is both consent and proof of fitness for prolonged waiting.”
Kristi Noem’s Press Conference Highlights
During a Q&A, Noem fielded questions in a tone cheerful enough to suggest she was unveiling a new line of detergent.
- On due process: “We do a lot due. The process is in progress.”
- On whether detainees can appeal: “Absolutely. We love appeals. They’re a core part of our recycling program.”
- On family separation: “We prefer the phrase ‘distributed learning pods.’”
- On what happens if an applicant proves their innocence: “That’s extra credit.”
When pressed on the timeline—why four years?—Noem said, “We wanted something big enough to feel like a commitment but short enough to fit within the American attention span when subdivided into election cycles. Also, leases on the facilities come in four-year increments.”
Opt-Outs And Premium Packages: Yes, There’s A Fast Track To The Slow Track
While officials insist the four-year imprisonment section is mandatory, there are, in the grand tradition of American governance, several paywalled detours:
- Self-Deportation: “Always available,” Noem chirped. “Think of it as clicking ‘Cancel Subscription.’”
- Expedited Miseries Package: For a fee, applicants may experience an intensified 18-month version compressed into a single, unbroken day that lasts 540 times.
- Work-Study: Detainees can earn time credits by teaching civics to guards, who often need it.
Applicants from countries with reciprocal detention agreements may transfer up to 12 credits of “Time Served Abroad,” but only if accompanied by transcripts embossed with a warden’s seal.
Frequently Asked Questions About The “Four-Year” Part
Because BarryMcCockiner.com is service journalism with bad service, here’s a quick FAQ:
Q: Will there be visits?
A: Yes, from a man named “Tuesday” who insists it’s Thursday.
Q: Can I study in advance?
A: Yes. Stare at a fluorescent bulb for eight hours and then practice not blinking.
Q: What if I fail?
A: You get to retake the test by starting over in a different facility with the same name.
Q: What’s the dress code?
A: Orange, khaki, or beige—America’s founding colors.
Q: Is there a parole option?
A: Yes, it’s spelled “maybe.”
“We’re Not Punishing, We’re Onboarding”
Perhaps anticipating criticism that the policy is punitive, officials rebranded it as “onboarding in place,” likening it to a corporate orientation that never ends, teaches you nothing, and replaces the company swag bag with a toothbrush of unknown provenance.
“Think of it as a masterclass in American resilience,” Noem said, pointing to a slide of a bald eagle clutching a key card that didn’t open the door it was supposed to. “Today’s immigrant is tomorrow’s American, and tomorrow’s American must be ready to confront a Kafka novel wearing a flag pin.”
Reactions From Across The Political Spectrum: Everyone Finds Something To Dislike Or Love Or Profit From
Advocacy groups called the policy “deeply concerning,” “foundationally unconstitutional,” and “on brand.” A libertarian think tank argued the state should privatize the detaining entirely “so market forces can decide who gets a window.” A bipartisan duo introduced the Freedom To Wait Act, which would rename the program “Liberty Pause” and add 10 minutes of sunlight per quarter.
Suburban HOA presidents supported the plan, citing the program’s “strong emphasis on quiet hours.” Tech leaders promised an app that would gamify sentence completion. One platform announced it would verify anyone who could demonstrate they’d been awake for 36 hours under a fluorescent sun.
Community Colleges Prepare Curriculum: Intro To Pleading 101
Educators nationwide are adjusting. Local community colleges are designing bridge courses like “Civics Through A Glass Pane, Darkly” and “Intro to Pleading 101: Please, I Have A Family.” Career centers recommend pairing the imprisonment module with internships in customer support or airlines to leverage transferable skills in endurance-based egregiousness.
Meanwhile, public libraries are curating reading lists heavy on Alexis de Tocqueville, Angela Davis, and the IKEA assembly guide for a bed called “Habeå.” “We’re meeting learners where they are,” a librarian said, wheeling a cart of books to the edge of a restricted area labeled “Quiet Like A Secret.”
Local Governments Get Creative With Implementation
Mayors across the country rushed to repurpose infrastructure. One city converted an abandoned mall into a Civic Experience Complex, complete with a food court that serves identical meals labeled differently for variety. Another municipality unveiled a “Detention Garden,” where applicants can touch grass for four minutes on leap day.
“We wanted to make the imprisonment section friendly,” said a city manager, pointing to murals of smiling silhouettes under inspirational quotes like “Hang In There” and “You’re Doing Time Great.” The complex also offers a gift shop selling “I Survived The Civics Exam And All I Got Was Assimilation Fatigue” t-shirts.
International Reaction: Allies Ask If This Is A Bit
Embassies issued travel advisories recommending that their citizens traveling to the U.S. “avoid scheduling appointments” and “consider not standing still near a van.” One ambassador was reportedly heard asking, “Is this satire?” before a staffer whispered, “Sir, that’s the problem. It might be policy.”
Case Study: The “Model Applicant” Who Collected All The Badges
Consider Lina, a nurse from Manila who did everything the right way: filed her forms, aced the vocabulary, paid fines that were first called fees and then, for tax purposes, reclassified as donations. When the new program started, she was escorted to her off-site learning module where she quickly mastered Advanced Patience and Introductory Beam Counting.
“At first, I didn’t understand why a test would involve four winters. Then I realized I was learning American seasons: hope, anxiety, litigation, midterm,” she said. She now mentors fellow applicants in curtain-folding and sigh optimization. “When I take the Oath of Allegiance, I will mean every word. And then I will take a nap for a year.”
What Happens After You “Pass”
Graduation is a small ceremony where a bored official mispronounces your name, a recording of “America the Beautiful” struggles to buffer, and you’re given a miniature flag that you are informed already has a case file. You recite the oath, which now includes the line, “I will support and defend the Constitution against all enemies, foreign, domestic, and fluorescent.”
New citizens are released into the wild with their certificate, three pamphlets about voting that contradict each other, and a letter from the Department of Labor that reads, “We heard you’re good at staying calm in unreasonable places. Please accept this job at gate C27.”
Is There A Better Way?
Critics proposed alternatives like “not doing this” or “literally anything else.” Some suggested a hands-on civics lab where applicants help register voters, attend a school board meeting without screaming, or spend a day being audited by all three branches at once for authenticity. Others floated the concept of a nationwide “Bring A Citizen To Bureaucracy Day” in which newcomers shadow a grizzled American as they wait at the DMV until sundown.
But the administration appears committed to its four-year plan, arguing that its greatest strength is its simplicity. “It’s a single metric even Congress can understand: did you do the time? Yes? Congratulations, you understand America,” Noem concluded.
Conclusion: A Nation Of Laws, Loopholes, And Long Hallways
At its core, the reimagined citizenship exam is a love letter to a country that believes the best way to teach freedom is to withhold it, then sell it back in installments. U.S. citizenship test now requires four years in surprise prison, officials announce, and somewhere a bald eagle is nodding solemnly while rearranging its chains into a tasteful wreath.
Would-be Americans will emerge fluent in the nation’s unwritten language: the sigh that means “we know,” the shrug that means “we tried,” and the smile that means “we’re still here.” And that, perhaps more than any multiple-choice question, is what being an American has always demanded: the ability to endure a place that constantly asks, “Are you sure?” and to answer, after a long pause, “Yes.”
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